The Escape from the Trap of “It’s All My Fault”

Sometimes people mistakenly refer to the belief in personalization as “megalomania”.

However, this does not necessarily indicate illusions of grandeur, but rather reflects a worldview in which a person prone to personalization places themselves at the center of the universe: all events seem personally connected to them.

Internally, this is not experienced as a sense of immense power or strength, but as constant pressure, attention from others, and hidden hostility.

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Marcus Aurelius

To overcome this harmful style of thinking, it’s important to identify the true causes of the problems that have arisen.

Instead of blaming yourself for things that are beyond your control and, consequently, feeling guilty towards the entire world, focus on analyzing the situation.

Start with self-observation. The first step to reducing personalization is awareness, as with any other irrational thinking. Pay close attention to your thoughts and reactions to events. Notice when you tend to take responsibility for something that is actually beyond your control.

Then, try to identify other factors that could have influenced the situation for which you took responsibility. For example: “Is it really true that I am solely to blame for this argument? What other factors and circumstances could have played a role?”

Consider possible reasons for other people’s behavior that are unrelated to your actions. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand what might have influenced their reaction. For example, what else could have caused their mood or behavior?

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Use the following questions for analysis:

Do I need to blame myself for what happened?

Was I in a position to control this?

Am I really responsible for everything? Or just part of the problem? Which part exactly?

What other reasons might there be for this problem?

Example:

Imagine a situation: you arrive at work, and your colleague doesn’t greet you. Immediately, a thought arises: “I did something wrong. It seems she doesn’t like me. Maybe I said something wrong yesterday, or I didn’t greet her, and now she’s holding it against me.”

People are not disturbed by things, but by their views on them.

Epictetus

Analyze your thoughts using the above questions and write down alternative rational responses:

Perhaps she didn’t greet me because she didn’t sleep well, simply forgot, was lost in thought, or greeted me earlier, and I didn’t notice.

Most likely, her possible bad state and the fact that she didn’t greet me have nothing to do with my behavior. I can only prove otherwise if I ask her directly. The most likely explanation: she didn’t sleep well, something happened in the morning, or she simply forgot.

I’m not sure if she was sad, but even if she was, there are many reasons for her state that may have nothing to do with me. Even if she is upset because of me, she should tell me about it; otherwise, I can’t understand the situation for sure.

Since I don’t know for certain whether the reason is related to my actions, I will not feel guilty about it.

Remember that we cannot control everything in life. Sometimes we just need to accept what happens and not try to explain everything through our own mistakes.

You can also use the following exercises to work on your belief:

Imagine a friend tells you that his colleague didn’t greet him in the morning. How would you react? What would you say to him? What advice would you give? This will help you distance yourself from your own emotions and look at the situation more objectively.

Try to finish the following sentence: “If I were really responsible for this, it would mean that...”

For example: “If I were really responsible for the project’s failure, it would mean that I could control all the participants and prevent any mistakes.” But in reality, many factors are beyond your control.

Completing the “if I were really...” phrase will help you analyze your responsibility and realize that you can’t always control everything that happens.

By using these simple techniques, you can rid yourself of negative thoughts and free yourself from the feeling that you are responsible for everything.

Remember that you are not the center of the universe and don’t have to be responsible for all the events around you. It’s better to focus your energy on solving problems and creating a happier and more harmonious life.