We all enjoy receiving approval from those around us. We strive to validate our significance through the views and evaluations of others. Ultimately, we are social beings, and it is practically impossible to completely detach from society.
However, when the need for approval becomes a dependency, it turns into a burden that holds us back and prevents us from living fully.
You might have noticed thoughts like: «If he didn't praise me, something must be wrong with me», or «If someone disapproves of me, it's terrible».
Such reflections can sway you like a pendulum: you feel elated when praised and crushed when criticized.
The beliefs that give rise to such thoughts are entirely illogical. For example, you might be convinced that someone's approval, praise, or compliment signifies that you are a good/smart/beautiful or capable person.
If you think well of yourself, why do you need someone else to think well of you too?
Mikhail Litvak
The thoughts that generate these beliefs are completely irrational. For instance, you might believe that someone's approval or compliment means that you are good/smart/beautiful or capable.
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Yet, you fail to consider that only your own beliefs can influence your emotions.
Compliments will not improve your mood if you do not believe in their sincerity. Your mood improves when you are confident that you deserve praise.
Many of us have encountered situations where praise seemed insincere, as if someone tried to deceive us just to avoid hurting our feelings, and we did not take the words seriously.
Did you enjoy such praise? Hardly. Because before your mood can improve, you first need to verify the authenticity of the external approval. This check is a process of self-approval.
For example, a positive review from your boss will be perceived as praise, boosting your mood and allowing you to think that you are a competent specialist. In contrast, words from someone like your mother, who may not understand your field, won't have the same effect.
This is because you do not believe those words are true. You doubt them. Therefore, only your own beliefs about yourself can influence how you feel.
Others can say whatever they want about you, good or bad, but your emotions depend solely on your own thoughts.
You pay a high price for your dependency on praise—a hypersensitivity to the opinions of others.
Like an addict who suffers withdrawal symptoms when deprived of the substance of addiction, you too suffer from a lack of praise and constantly need to feed your dependency.
When someone important to you expresses disagreement, you experience painful feelings. In such cases, you start to sacrifice your own interests because you fear rejection so deeply.
Many notorious criminals, such as Charles Manson, who promoted sadism and murder, have had numerous admirers. Despite his horrific actions, he had followers who considered him a messiah.
If even a person like Charles was not completely isolated after what he did, what have you done so terribly that everyone would reject you? Does the approval he received make him a worthy person? Do you still believe that approval equals value?
Receiving approval is pleasant; it's a natural need: it's important for us to know that we are doing everything right, that we are valued, and that what we do matters.
Similarly, being rejected or disapproved of is not a pleasant experience. Yes, it's perfectly reasonable to feel upset about it.
However, you find yourself in troubled waters if you continue to believe that approval and disapproval accurately reflect your worth.
Do you criticize others? Do you allow yourself to disagree with others' opinions? Probably yes. And when you disagree or disapprove, do you make a definitive judgment about the person? Most likely, you simply hold a different viewpoint.
Or rather, do you think that you simply hold a different viewpoint? Could it be that you are upset by what a person has done or said, rather than the person themselves?
Your surroundings may have many flaws, but that does not make them utterly worthless.
If you understand that your disapproval does not destroy a person's value, why then do you give others such power that can completely deprive you of your own worth?
When you worry that someone dislikes you, you exaggerate the wisdom and knowledge of the other person and show that you are unable to make a sound judgment about yourself.
Of course, someone might point out your flaws. And that will be useful: it will allow you to learn something. After all, we are all imperfect, and others have the right to tell us so from time to time.
The reasons for dependency on approval can vary: some were bullied in school, some grew up under the pressure of parents' expectations, some were told that praise is good and its absence means fault. Or perhaps, unsuccessful romantic relationships have left their mark.
It's important to realize that dependency on approval often stems from upbringing and behavior patterns learned in the family. Children believe everything that adults say, which can form a habit of self-deprecation.
You have grown up, but external approval compensates for the lack of healthy self-esteem.
It's not your fault that you learned such behavior as a child, and you cannot be blamed for growing up with such a blind spot.
But now, as an adult, it is your responsibility to assess the reality of your beliefs and take specific measures to change your thinking.
Next, we will examine specific steps that will help you apply these principles in practice so that healthy self-esteem and self-respect become your emotional reality.
