Sudden job loss is a strong stress for most people. When layoffs or cutbacks are announced within a few days or weeks, many feel their life has "collapsed." And this is understandable, as you undergo drastic changes:
Work is certain commitments, frameworks, communication, in general, something that supports us.
Unemployment, however, is like an air pocket where you fall without insurance. And you are left alone with yourself, with completely empty days, bills that will soon be unpayable, endless waiting for an interview invitation: before the meeting you feel a timid hope, and then – another rejection. A typical and joyless picture.
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Job loss is experienced just like any other loss, and those who face it go through the stages of grief.
When one door closes, do you not know that many others open?
Bob Marley
First shock, deep disorientation, not understanding what to do. Then anger – at oneself, at those who have laid off.
Bargaining might be possible: perhaps everything can still be settled, and they will take me back? And finally, depression. Certainly, this problem can be called "real," but again, does that mean it justifies your depression?
The reason for such an emotional reaction lies in the belief that personal value and the ability to feel happiness depend directly on professional success.
Within this value system, it seems logical to assume that emotional suppression is inevitably linked to financial losses, career failures, or bankruptcy.
If you also think this way, you will be interested in the case of Alexander — a 47-year-old father of three who worked for 17 years with his wife's father in one successful company.
A couple of years before his depression, there were disagreements between him and his father-in-law regarding the management of the company. In a fit of anger, Alexander resigned, thus giving up his share in the company.
Over the next two years, he changed one job after another but could not find anything worthwhile, both financially and morally.
It seemed that he was not succeeding and he began to consider himself a failure. His wife had to work full-time to make ends meet, which only intensified Sasha's feeling of worthlessness, as he had always prided himself on being the breadwinner of the family.
Time went on, his financial position worsened, and his depressive state increased as his self-esteem fell lower and lower.
By the time Alexander decided to seek help from a specialist, he had already worked for several months in a company specializing in real estate.
During that time, he rented out several buildings but made no sales. Since his salary depended on sales, his earnings were low. During this period, Sasha suffered from depression and procrastination, spending whole days in bed, thinking:
"Why all this? I'm a failure. Working is pointless, nothing will come of it anyway."
At the third meeting with the psychologist, he shared that a well-off friend wanted to purchase real estate with his help, and the commission from such a sale would have helped his career, given him confidence, and significantly replenished his wallet.
Instead of seizing this job, Sasha hesitated for several weeks. Why? Because he thought: "Selling commercial real estate is too complicated.
I've never done this before and I definitely won't succeed. And if he changes his mind at the last minute, it would mean that I achieved nothing in this business. That would mean I'm a complete failure."
Alexander's management regarded him highly, considering him a capable salesperson, but he himself was unduly harsh on himself.
During the following meetings and work with his thoughts, Sasha agreed that he was very self-critical, and this in no way helped him in this difficult life period, but on the contrary, significantly worsened the situation.
He also realized that he used "double standards": he was tolerant of other people and ready to support them, but towards himself, he was strict and critical.
Initially, he defended his view, like many demanding perfectionists, claiming that being much harsher with oneself than with others would bring some benefit.
Nevertheless, he quickly learned that his personal standards were actually unrealistic and doomed to fail, because if he had tried to sell a building and his attempt was unsuccessful, he would have perceived the situation as a disaster. His tendency to think in terms of "all or nothing" was his big problem.
At the end of therapy, Alexander felt relief, realizing that financial difficulties in recent years did not automatically make him a "failure."
This negative self-perception and sense of paralysis were the result of his excessive pursuit of "all or nothing." His feeling of uselessness was the result of his exclusive focus on the negative aspects of life (negative filter) and his disregard for the many facts in which he had succeeded (discounting the positive).
He realized that he had unnecessarily tormented himself for so long with the thought that he could have done more, and recognized that financial difficulties did not diminish his human dignity. In the end, he recognized that apathy and procrastination were merely symptoms of depression, not reflections of his true nature.
When he learned to respond to his negative thoughts, he was able to reduce the degree of distortions in his harsh attitude towards himself, and his mood continued to improve.
He left the real estate sector and opened a book store. He managed to cover the expenses, but despite significant personal efforts, he was unable to generate enough profit to justify continuing the business after the first trial year.
Thus, although the external signs of success remained almost unchanged during this time, he was able to maintain his self-esteem and avoid depression. Despite the fact that his financial situation remained difficult, when he came to the decision to "acknowledge defeat" in his book store business, his respect for himself remained unchanged.
At the last meeting with the psychologist, Alexander wrote an essay that he decided to read every morning before starting to look for a new job:
If you have faced a similar problem or if Alexander's automatic thoughts resonate with you, write yourself a note on why you are not useless, why you are not a failure, and why you are valuable in your own right.
